Who Are These People?

I do! When you say I do to the man or woman of your dreams, you are silly, goofy, madly in love with that person, and can’t wait to spend the rest of your days growing old, living, laughing and loving the days to come! There’s one potential problem (bah humbug)… the in-laws. These are the very people that shaped your partner to be the person you fell so deeply in love with. Yes, they come with the I-DO’s…this is a value meal with no changes and no substitutions.  That is right-YOUR new extended family is permanent, you have to enjoy this deal to the end. These relationships may prove to be just as much work as the marriage.

Let’s face it, we all love our own family unconditionally, sometimes not because we have to, but because that is the only family we have.  The essence of family is your security of never going through this world alone, you will always have them, through spouses, careers, friends or foe…they are likely the only thing you can be sure of in this world.  You get married, and add this “person”, your spouse to the mix (the mix being your crazy family-yes your family is crazy, and so is mine), you may have a problem.  I like to think of problems as issues that last a really long time…you know those that can’t be solved with a PowerPoint, booze or money. The in-laws can be a problem, long term, long suffering, long winded- take your pick.

Oddly enough, if you have ever been in a relationship, or married; you are likely the “extra” until you become the “fixture” and with the right in-laws, “family”.  WD and I have been together so long that we have worked our way to family status, we are the loving silent spouses, and well one of us is anyways.  Making “family” status is not an easy process, because family can be rude, weird, nasty, over-bearing, over protective, and judgmental…you know- yes, that can be you too!!!  Daughter in-laws are rarely good enough for sons and the same goes for son in-laws, parents are the first obstacle or at least that is the perception anyways. Siblings are usually the next, and most difficult stretch of the marathon. If you have ever ran track…this is equivalent to the last 100 meters, but could take years verses seconds to reach the finish/victory. I am a sister, and I have a sister-in-law and I am a sister-in-law, and we (women-sisters…not me specifically-hehe) can be difficult to deal with.  We ultimately want our siblings to be happy, despite what we may think of their chosen partner.  As a general rule of thumb, if your sibling is happy-i.e smiling often, healthy, and better than ever before-mind your own business!!

My sister had a weird saying that was the opposite of “if the shoe fits”, more like if the shoe is too small and your feet hurt, you will decide when to take them off. We people) know when we get tired of something or someone.  Let me break this down further.  Women know ALL about uncomfortable shoes that look pretty, well replace the “shoes” with “people” (friends or lovers).  If you have walked and partied for about 4 hours, and all you want is relief, those pretty shoes go in the back of the closet, if not goodwill.  As a shoe girl, I can tell you that some of the prettiest shoes are the most uncomfortable, your toes go numb, and you can barely pick up your feet, and forget that cute walk you had in the mirror at the house…your feet said goodnight 2 hours in! There have been many pairs that I’ve handed off to the next shoe, lover.  People are the same way, when they cause you more harm or pain than good, not physical harm (or definitely physical harm) you will hand them off when you get tired of the pain.  In-laws, do not fret, if the “shoe” hurts long enough, your precious loved one will make that call, you just have to be supportive until then.  Ask yourself, would you want them in your closet picking out your shoes-likely not.

Also, as a general rule, you should not be talking about your relationship with your family (or friends for that matter). 2 reasons; 1. It is going to be hard for them to ignore any negative comments you made and keep a poker face (side eye is inevitable), especially if you were just “venting that day”  2. You need to be talking to your partner.  I know we all have to talk to someone, but you need to make sure that someone is great at keeping secrets, and hopefully you have some of theirs (wink wink).  Family (in-laws), can help you out of a good thing and will be talking about your butt at the next family gathering. If you have some none-married in-laws, move it along when it comes to relationship talk…single people will send you out!!! You will be bar hopping with them until- they fall in love (LOL, the set up).  We all have the friends and family we do not hear from when “they” are in a relationship…but when you are in a relationship and they are single, “they” are always tripping about not seeing you.  REALLY!!!

I will add, do not be in a rush to get to family status, especially if you are not married.  I have said it before, the paperwork makes all the difference.  When you are a girlfriend or boyfriend that could change instantly, this is a temporary role. Really, it is interesting how we attach and detach to folks when we bring them around our family.  Family falls into place like that of an offbeat marching band, with charming hospitality, and welcoming smiles- it can be short lived. While I have been with WD forever, he was 1 of 2 guys I ever took home…for the reasons stated. The irony of  family is they attach quickly to the women bringing someone home, so they keep asking about the man until you bring in a replacement man (even if it is years later). I can remember my family asking ,” where is WD, how’s WD, we like WD”…which I responded with eye rolls because we were apart at the time.  However, the men bringing women around, we do not think twice about it, unless you have some tenure.  This is because men have to choose their mate, so we wait for them to say, “she’s the one” before us girls attach.

It is important to note that people get divorces, and break up, and family is what is left-EVERYTIME.  It may be hard to adapt to a new family member, however you have to try because they make your loved one happy.  We all have our respective families to go to, so do not take it personal.  Remove the feelings and appreciate your role as the parent, sister or brother to be that support system for the person verses judge and jury (not your job -BTW). The goal is to keep it classy with everyone, because you never know when that girlfriend or boyfriend will be the wife or husband, and now your daughter, son, sister or brother-in-law. We know (eye rolling) no one is “good enough” for your daughter, son, sister or brother, but here is a thought…what if their partner makes them better?